You know you’re in the big smoke when….

With the cream of agriculture’s up and comers hitting Adelaide next week for Grain Growers’ Innovation Generation conference, we thought it was high time we take a look at nine things you can just bank on happening when the boys and the girls from the bush pay a visit to town.

1.)      NOT SO COOL NOW: The Formula 1 wannabe of the group will suddenly develop butterflies. Your “I’m just leaving the car at Gawler / Melton / Blacktown, because it’s a lot more convenient than driving,” line is not fooling anyone. You may be able to back a trailer with into a space with 5cm clearance either side one handed, but the thought of lane changes makes you break out in a cold sweat.

2.)      SPORT, SPORT, SPORT, SPORT: Sport is always on the agenda. It could be a conference, a wedding, a visit to the accountant. Country people will find a way to schedule elite sporting events in their agenda no matter what the occasion.

3.)      BUT IT LOOKED GOOD ONLINE: Only 10 minutes from the city it said in the promotional material. They neglected to mention that was at 3am on a Tuesday morning and the rest of the time traffic snarls mean you go at a snail’s pace an hour each way from your conference. The $20 difference discount between the place in the CBD doesn’t seem like much now.

4.)      COLLAR UP: Your RM Williams sit at the back of the cupboard most of the year and the Driza Bone you got for your 21st doesn’t get worn, yet the minute you hit the city streets you suddenly find yourself dressing like some kind of Lee Kernaghan clone and the country drawl gets dialed up to 11.

5.)      WE DON’T HAVE THAT ONE AT HOME: There’s a veritable United Nations of tempting cuisine beckoning, yet you can guarantee all some of your group want to do is sample the various offerings of the fast food chains yet to open in your nearest regional centre.

6.)      CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: You may well think you’re going to sample some New Nordic / Japanese fusion before heading to a bar off three separate alleyways where you have to get a password to get in. The reality – you’re far more likely to be sucked in by the touts along the city’s Italian strip or in Chinatown than to get a table at any of the city’s culinary hotspots. As for bars – you may be thinking James Bond-style sophistication – we’re thinking we see an ‘Irish’ bar with a dodgy cover band located at a prominent crossroads in your future.

7.)      SAY WHAAAAT: So you try to keep an open mind to the whole hipster thing  and you enjoy a good cup of coffee as much as the next person. But seriously – entire shop fronts dedicated to beans from the north facing slope of a mountain, fed only tears of the endangered lesser lemur? A barber that only twirls moustaches? Men supposed in the prime of their working lives spending two hours arguing over parts for their fixeys? Something to think about on the next 45km trip to the post office / general store / pub.

8.)     THE EXPERT: One of the gang, after a visit to the town with their parents 12 years ago, will appoint themselves the unofficial tour guide to all things about your home for the next few days – usually leading to a string of visits of now defunct shops and attractions.

9.)     THE OLD CHESTNUT: After your stint in town, just on the outskirts, someone’s bound to pull out the old favourite. “There’s the best part of a trip to the city – the view of it in the rearview mirror’.